Handling the Holidays After Loss

Grief is hard at any point in life, but grief around the holiday season just seems to hit a little differently. Andy Williams, and so many others, tell us that:

"It's the most wonderful time of the year

There'll be much mistletoeing

And hearts will be glowing

When loved ones are near

It's the most wonderful time

Yes the most wonderful time

Oh the most wonderful time

Of the year"

Well, I don't know about you, but when we are processing the loss of a loved one, it can feel like anything but that. Every happy holiday song on the radio, commercials on TV, pictures posted on social media, or any other message telling us to be "thankful" or "blessed" may feel like a slap in the face. You may notice that you are not as excited about the holidays this year, or even dreading them, and that's okay. It's so important to honor where you are and recognize things may be different for you. Let's talk about some things you may notice over this holiday season, and ways to try and cope with the grief during this time.

Anticipation May Feel Dreadful

The holiday season is not just about the actual day, whether that's Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's, etc. Part of the excitement that comes with the holidays is the preparation and energy leading up to the holidays. The anticipation to see family, eat good food, attend parties, celebrate your meaning of the holiday, and so many other things. However, the anticipation of all of those things without your loved one can feel enormous and hard to escape. It's important to keep in mind that the anticipation of the holidays and events may be harder than the actual holiday itself. Give yourself space to recognize that the anticipation of the holiday may be a struggle-- but also know that there are ways to help with this. 

TIP: Allow yourself to grieve all parts of the holiday season -- the time leading up to the holiday, the planning of events, the actual day itself. You may notice your grief ebbing and flowing during this time and honoring your emotions without judgment can be so powerful. 

Reminders of Your Loved One Are Everywhere

Holidays can be reminders of happy memories, but they can also illuminate the absence of someone special. It can be helpful to recognize that you are likely to be reminded of them even more during this time because you may have special memories of them around the holiday season. The ultimate goal isn't to try and avoid these reminders-- the goal is to feel like you can manage the reminders as they come up.

TIP: Prioritize your self-care during this time. It isn't selfish to recognize that you need more intentional care right now. 

Traditions May Have Lost Their Meaning

You may notice yourself trying to avoid certain holiday traditions during this time because the idea of engaging in these traditions without them seems almost impossible. It may be helpful to try and identify traditions that may be difficult prior to the moment you are faced with them. For example, if your dad was the person who always carved the Thanksgiving turkey and this is the first Thanksgiving without him, then how can you prepare for someone else to step in? Honor your emotions during this time and know that you may need something different.

TIP: Be aware of the expectations you are setting and defaulting to. Everyone grieves differently (some may want to honor a tradition, and some may want to avoid a tradition) and try to remind yourself that it may be helpful to discuss expectations with loved ones during this time. It may be helpful to think about creating new traditions, not as a way to leave out your loved one who has passed, but to honor them in a special way.

Connection with Others May Seem Impossible

Holidays are a time for connecting with those special people in your life. You may feel like that's the last thing you want to do during this time, especially without your loved one being present. It may feel easier to just avoid all holiday celebrations and ignore the holiday altogether, but you are going to feel these hard emotions regardless. Try to allow yourself to receive support and care during this time.

TIP: Find those safe people to be around who will support you during this time. It's okay to set boundaries with what you are comfortable with, or capable of doing. Maybe that means ordering take out and watching Lifetime movies instead of cooking an entire feast. Remember, you have permission to NOT compare your holiday to other's and it's okay that it's different this year! 

If you need additional support and coping skills during this time, reach out to The Counseling Co. so we can walk alongside you during this time.

-Caity Gable, LSCSW