The Way You Talk to Yourself Matters
I’m curious - when was the last time you checked in about your relationship with yourself? How are you caring for yourself? What are you doing to meet your own needs? How are you talking to yourself? Your relationship with yourself is the most powerful relationship you will have, and it’s worth your time and investment.
Here’s the bottom line - how you talk to yourself matters. We have thousands of thoughts that fill our heads every day. Our thoughts directly impact our feelings, and our feelings influence our actions. If you are constantly belittling yourself, shaming yourself, and criticizing yourself, your feelings and actions are likely going to be negative. Interestingly, we think that shame-based talk will somehow motivate us to make changes (“I am overweight, I should work out” or “I am so lazy, I should do something with my day”). This might work in the short term, but it doesn’t actually create our desired outcome. It is actually through self-acceptance and compassion that we are able to make lasting, meaningful change (Brene Brown). To be clear, acceptance is not the same as complacency. We can accept ourselves as we are and be motivated to do something better/differently (“I know my worth is not defined by my weight, and I know I feel better when I’m exercising regularly.”)
If you are someone who struggles with negative self-talk, it might feel unrealistic to shift your inner dialogue to one filled with positivity. If that is the case, try to shift from negative to neutral. Telling yourself “you're lazy” or “you’re fat” is not going to encourage you to establish a regular exercise routine. Telling yourself “you’re worthless” is not going to encourage you to get your to-do list done. It’s just going to lead to feelings of shame and shame grows in silence and avoidance. The way you think of yourself drives your behaviors, so you have to start thinking about yourself differently. One way to shift your narrative about yourself is to identify who you are or who you want to become. “I want to be someone who honors my needs and feelings.” The next step is to identify what you need to do to honor your needs and feelings. This might look like: “I rest when I need rest and I move my body when I need to move my body” or “I am feeling angry and it’s okay for me to feel angry.” As you practice making these shifts, it’s important to replace criticism of yourself with curiosity and compassion. It can also be helpful to start acknowledging what you are doing/what IS working rather than always focusing on what is not working or what you are not doing. Our thoughts reiterate our behaviors and our behaviors reiterate our thoughts.
You might be familiar with the term “affirmations.” Affirmations are simply positive or neutral statements that are meant to provide encouragement. We can use affirmations to replace negative, unhelpful thoughts. Before you write them off as cheesy or think “those don’t work for me” - let me explain. If you could reframe your inner dialogue from “I’m worthless” to “my worth isn’t defined by my productivity,” what would change? When we bring awareness to our negative thought patterns and replace them with more neutral or positive ones (enter: affirmations), our feelings and behaviors follow suit.
Here are some other examples of affirmations:
“I am doing the best I can in this moment/season.”
“I am worthy of love and belonging, as I am.”
“I give myself permission to not be perfect.”
“I can handle this.”
“My worth is not defined by my body.”
I challenge you to bring awareness to your inner dialogue for the next couple of days and identify areas where you could treat yourself with a little more compassion. It takes intentional effort, but you are worth it.
The way you talk to yourself matters.
Podcast recs on this topic:
Unlocking Us by Brene Brown
Brene and Ashley on Living Big (2 parts)
https://open.spotify.com/episode/6xxwjBa7fRrO6ULFXaTqmE?si=9c23c10f66c644c8
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18u2WGnSjEHYkpBy9JTshv?si=01b239c2873a4aee
The Tim Ferris Show with Brene Brown
Striving verus self-acceptance, saving marriages and more
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh5SUF0gPWQ
Craig Groechel Leadership Podcast
Mastering the habits that matter most
The power to change your habits: Identity drives behavior