Identifying Red Flags in Your Relationship
We all communicate in our relationships but are we communicating effectively? Every week, I sit with women who have the best intentions when navigating their relationships, yet most of them are missing the mark communicating with their partners despite their good intentions. When we struggle to effectively communicate with our partners it can be discouraging, exhausting, lonely, and the perfect environment for resentment to enter the relationship. Luckily, John and Julie Gottman, two of my own personal favorite researchers and therapists in the field, have conducted over 40 years of research on couples. I’ll review some of their research findings and provide information about how we can improve connections and communication with your partner.
The first step in evaluating the effectiveness of the communication in your relationships, is noticing specific patterns of unhealthy communication that may be present. The Gottmans refer to these patterns or styles as, “the four horsemen.” Identifying any of these is helpful in being able to change and replace them with a healthier alternative. The Four Horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
CRITICISM
Criticism is different from bringing up a valid complaint to your partner because criticism attacks your partner, their behavior, and their core character. Criticism can look or sound like: concerns coming from a place of anger, “should’ statements, “joking” about their flaws, “why” questions, and exaggerated statements. An example of criticism is, “You never think about me and only think about yourself. You obviously don’t care about me! I shouldn’t have to tell you to help me with the dishes.” While it’s valid to want help with the dishes, a pattern of blaming and criticizing your partner can erode connection and cooperation. The Gottmans teach us what to avoid when communicating and also provide an “antidote” or challenge to ourselves for each of the identified horsemen. The antidote for criticism is using gentle start ups. A gentle start up looks like using “I” statements. Follow the guide and insert what might have come up for you using clear communication.
“I feel ____, when____, I need (next time) _____.”
“I feel ____, about ___, can you ____?”
We can use this formula in the present tense or even past tense when discussing an older situation. I’ll take the criticizing statement I shared earlier and turn it into a positive way to communicate the actual complaint.
“I feel upset when I make dinner and don’t get help cleaning up dishes after. I need help getting things put away after dinner.”
CONTEMPT
The next horsemen is the biggest predictor of divorce; contempt. Contempt can feel similar to criticizing but has intentions to show superiorism and can make your partner feel less worthy. It looks like disrespect, sarcasm, mimicking, eye rolling, scoffing at your partner, hurtful humor, mocking, and hurtful body language. The Gottman’s research suggests that the root of responding to your partner with contempt comes from a place of disgust.
Here is an example: let's say your partner didn’t load the dishwasher like you would have wanted, so you stomp over and re-do it yourself while saying “I didn’t know I asked a child to load the dishwasher. Were you raised in a barn? You never learned to do this???” The antidote for contempt is reminding yourself of the positive qualities your partner does display and creating a sense of gratitude towards them. Also, consider creating space in your relationship for appreciation and positive emotions as often as you can.
DEFENSIVENESS
The third horsemen is usually in response to criticism: defensiveness. I get it, you’re busy and stressed so when your partner brings a complaint or criticism, it’s hard not to feel backed into a corner and put the boxing gloves on to defend yourself. Here, we aim to find the balance between sharing your perspective with your partner, understanding their perspective, taking accountability for where you could have done something differently, and making amends. Here is an example from the Gottman’s work (Lisitsa):
Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Defensive response: “I was just too busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
The better response: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”
In the second response option the partner takes accountability and doesn’t try to place blame on their partner.
STONEWALLING
The final horsemen is stonewalling. We can see this coming up when someone in the relationship feels exhausted from trying, or perhaps a partner who doesn’t feel safe to open up, or even a partner that is just too angry and upset to respond at all. Stonewalling can look like avoiding conversations, pretending to be too busy to talk, walking away from conversations, or simply not responding or engaging in conversation even when your partner is right there. Stonewalling creates disconnection in relationships. The antidote to stonewalling is self soothing or asking for space to take a short break during a challenging conversation which can create a better mindset to listen and discuss challenging topics with your partner. The key here is to resist the idea of running off from your partner and instead share how you are feeling, ask for what you need, and cooperatively agree to come back together to finish the conversation. In my work if there is a partner who seems to be stonewalling that doesn’t come from a place of anger, I suggest having a conversation with their partner about how that makes them feel and addressing the barriers to communication.
If you see a pattern in your relationship communication style that includes one or all of the four horsemen, this information can be helpful and it’s often not too late to grab the reins and take control of these ponies! A few of my favorite resources to help support practicing the antidotes to foster better communication, trust, intimacy, and connection in your relationship are:
The Gottman’s podcast, Small Things Often
The Gottman Card Deck. An app to download on your phone
Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking us. The 3 part episode with The Gottman’s, The Love Prescription.
The Gottman’s new book, The Love Prescription.
References
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling [web log]. Retrieved April 23, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/.