Redefining Mom Guilt
GUILT. I chat with a lot of moms every day, and the topic of “mom guilt” almost always comes up. Here are just a few statements I have heard recently:
I feel guilty because I want some alone time.
I feel guilty because I asked for help.
I feel guilty when I engage in self-care.
I feel guilty because I don’t have any energy for my spouse.
I feel guilty because I am not doing what that one “expert” recommends doing.
I feel guilty because I don’t have patience with my kids.
I feel guilty because I haven’t kept up with my friendships.
I feel guilty when other people watch my kids.
I feel guilty when my kid watches too much TV.
I feel guilty when I’m not fully present with my kids.
Interestingly, I hear moms identifying guilt on both ends of the spectrum – guilt for not being present or lacking patience, but also guilt for taking time away to engage in self-care.
A great place to start when you are experiencing any emotion - not just guilt - is to get curious about the emotion. Where is it coming from? What information is it giving me? Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist who specializes in parenting, and I find her perspective on the feeling of guilt really helpful. Dr. Becky challenges us that perhaps we are mislabeling the feeling of “guilt.” True guilt - according to her definition - is when we do something that is out of line with our values. So, is what you are experiencing actually guilt? Are you doing something that is out of line with your values? Is engaging in self-care out of line with your values? Is allowing your kids to build relationships with other safe adults out of line with your values?
If what we are feeling is true guilt, then we can learn from the experience and do something different moving forward. True guilt can actually be a very motivating emotion. However I believe that most of the situations that we as moms feel “guilty” for, are actually decisions that we made that were aligned with our values – for example, engaging in our own self-care, leaning on our support systems, and making the decisions that are best for our families. If what we are feeling is not actually guilt, then what is it? Sometimes it might just simply be discomfort. That discomfort can come from communicating needs, feelings, and boundaries with others, as well as doing something that others might disagree with.
I truly believe social media has impacted our parenting experience (specifically for mamas in my generation) and has amplified feelings of guilt and shame. There are accounts we follow hoping to gain knowledge and resources as new parents, but the content we are consuming quickly becomes what we view as the “right” way to do things. It becomes a pattern of all-or-nothing thinking. When we see things posted on social media, it turns into all the things I’m *not* doing - enter feelings of guilt and shame. It can be really beneficial to do an emotional check-in with social media. How are you feeling before engaging in content, and how are you feeling after? Are there certain accounts you might need to unfollow in this season of life? Is the information you’re consuming helping or hurting?
Addressing feelings of guilt begins with labeling the feeling correctly. If it is true guilt I’m experiencing, then I can identify what behavior IS in line with my values, and do that next time. If what I’m experiencing is simply discomfort (for example, the thought that someone could potentially judge me for a parenting decision I’m making), then I can practice tolerating the discomfort of someone else’s feelings. If you are noticing feelings of guilt and/or a lot of negative thoughts, you may find it helpful to practice some affirmations in the moment. Here are a few examples:
“I am the best mama for my baby.”
“I can be a great mom AND make space for self-care.”
“This is a hard season and I don’t have to do it all.”
“I cannot pour from an empty cup.”
“This decision is in line with my values.”
We are here to support you, mama.