How Motherhood Can Challenge the “Perfectionist” Mentality

In my work as a therapist specializing in perinatal mental health, I support women with the transition into motherhood every day. When we enter any new season in life, we form expectations about what that season will look like. Within those expectations, we also form expectations for how we will navigate that season – often without even realizing it. The expectations we form then shape the way we experience that season, sometimes bringing with it feelings of disappointment, resentment, or even failure. If you are someone who identifies themselves as a “perfectionist,” “Type A personality,” or “high achiever,” keep reading to see how that might show up in your role as a mama.

A phrase my clients hear me say all the time is: “Your strengths and weaknesses often lie on the same continuum,” meaning, the very things that serve you and help you are also the same things that can get in your way. When we think about this from a lens of being a “high achiever” or “perfectionist,” this personality trait has probably served you in some capacity throughout your life, whether that be excelling in school or sports, meeting professional goals, or simply in your ability to “get stuff done.” However, that same trait that has propelled you, sometimes causes us to view our life circumstances as a pass/fail test.

I find that a lot of moms who would identify as a “perfectionist” can struggle when they enter motherhood because they simply cannot do it all and achieve it all. They expect themselves to do everything they were doing before having a child, in addition to all of the responsibilities that come with raising a little one. When you are looking at the list of tasks that this season of life presents (keeping little ones safe and healthy, keeping up with household responsibilities, finding quality time with your spouse, maintaining friendships, working outside the home for some, fitting in self-care… just to name a few), it is daunting to think about managing all of it at 100% capacity. Don’t get me wrong – it’s great to strive to be the best version of yourself, just be aware if your “performance” in any of these areas starts to define your self-worth. It is also especially challenging to try and “achieve” something that you actually have no control over (enter – infant sleep and toddler emotions ;)). This lack of control can be a significant trigger for moms who have historically felt like most everything in their life is under control.

Resentment is another topic that comes up in my conversations with high-achieving moms almost daily. Resentment is often an indicator that there is an unmet need or uncommunicated need. Resentment can look like being upset with your husband for doing something for himself. Resentment can show up when you’re awake in the middle of the night and no one else is. Resentment can look like score-keeping and keeping track of “who’s doing more.” Brene Brown encourages us to look at the feeling of resentment through a lens of envy rather than a lens of anger. If you notice yourself experiencing feelings of resentment, I encourage you to check in and ask yourself, “What is my unmet need here? Have I communicated that with anyone?” Unmet needs might look like sleep, alone time, time out with friends, quality time with your partner, or some uninterrupted time to tackle those looming to-do list items. We are typically less resentful about other people getting their needs met when our needs are met as well. Sometimes all it takes is simply communicating that unmet need out loud to someone else.

Occasionally what happens is that you might feel “angry with others about the prison you’ve put yourself in.” Ok, ok, hear me out… A classic example that I hear is being frustrated that your partner isn’t helping out more, yet the desire for control over certain tasks (enter the Type A personality) doesn’t actually give anyone the opportunity to help you. While it might feel like you have to do it all, I sometimes challenge moms to think about if this is actually true. Where is that expectation coming from? What feelings come up if you don’t do it all? It’s interesting when these conversations evolve because it sometimes comes back to feeling a need for control, believing there’s a right/wrong way to do things, and almost always a self-imposed expectation.

So, mamas, my encouragement for you is to identify where you might be able to give yourself some grace and permission to not “do it all.” While that mindset may have served you in previous seasons of your life, it might not serve you now. The perfectionistic, high achieving mentality can sometimes lead to feelings of burnout, irritability, and resentment. Let your strength be a strength and decide where you want to invest that high achieving energy – just know that you might not be able to bring that energy to every single aspect of your life and that’s OKAY. There is no way to be a perfect mom, but there are lots of ways to be a great one.