Navigating Blended Families
Coming from a blended family myself, I thought I would have a leg up when it came to having my own blended family. While I do believe I have unique insight due to my childhood experiences with having divorced parents and two blended families, I have come to realize navigating a blended family goes far beyond the four walls of the home. Blending a family requires intentional communication, selflessness, clear boundaries and expectations, a firm foundation, support, and empathy for all involved.
I married my husband and gained two incredible stepdaughters in 2020, but the start of blending our family began well before we got married. Throughout dating and engagement, my now husband and I had countless conversations regarding the role I would play as a stepmom. This included his hopes for me as a motherly role model in their lives, my desires for my own relationship with the girls, and my involvement in co-parenting. Conversations regarding our family dynamics have been had and re-had many times over the last few years. While it is important to set expectations up front, it is equally important to revisit different conversations when needed. Clear and open communication has made a difficult, yet rewarding experience, easier to navigate and manage.
Growing up as a part of a blended family brings a unique lens that I find myself looking through at times. I view a good amount of our experiences as both a step-parent and a kid who lived all of her childhood with divorced parents. While this is helpful when it comes to empathizing with the girls and their experience, I have to make sure I allow them the space to communicate their own emotions and needs without making assumptions. My husband and I have made it a goal of ours to prioritize the girls’ well being when co-parenting. One thing I have learned is the goals of one set of parents may not be the same as the other. It would be great if everyone involved could be on the same page at all times, but it can be unrealistic when humans with human emotions are navigating difficult situations alongside each other. Every family parents differently, and it has been incredibly helpful to shift my focus to what is in my control, rather than everything that is not. It is not my job to make up for the other half of this co-parenting experience, it is my job to show up and be the parent I am called to be. Having a foundational goal to fall back on helps us make the best decision for our family regardless of the circumstances.
Grief is something I did not expect when it came to having a blended family. Over time I have realized, especially through work I have done in therapy, my childhood experiences led me to imagine a variety of future scenarios differently than I experienced them growing up. This very clearly showed up over the past few holiday seasons. Growing up, holidays were split between my mom and dad’s, and I never felt like I experienced a “normal” holiday. “Normalcy” is something I envisioned for my family before I even met my husband. Grieving these old expectations does not take away from the love I have for my family, and was something I had to acknowledge and allow myself to move through.
A lot of your experience in challenging situations comes down to where you place your focus. What you look for, you will find. Yes, there are instances where we have personally felt slighted or disrespected, and it can become easy to get wrapped up in a game of “tit for tat”. Our overall goal as a family has definitely helped us recenter and refocus on what matters most to us. While everyone experiences navigating blended families differently, I want to encourage anyone reading this to find a few takeaways. Find your why. Identify what matters most to you and your family, and hold on to whatever that may be, tightly. Focus on what is in your control, and let go of what is not. Communicate kindly, clearly, and often. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, refocus, and try again. Navigating any challenge in life takes courage, grace, and trust in yourself, and challenges are what allow us the ability to grow and fully step into the life we were given.