Turning Well-Intentioned Self Love into Intentional Self Love

The concept of self-love has wildly evolved. This phrase can be viewed as honoring your emotions, avoiding conflict, taking care of your health, putting your needs above others, treating yourself any chance you get, etc. None of these are inherently good or bad, but I want to focus on an overall balance of the concept. Webster’s Dictionary has multiple definitions for the phrase, but the one that resonates with me most is, “proper regard for, and attention to, one's well-being.” To truly focus on true, overall well-being, it will require discomfort at times, and possibly making shifts in a variety of areas. Now, let’s dig into what this looks like and how self-love can become a more regular and balanced practice in your life. 

Get curious

Let’s start by defining well-being for ourselves. This may look different for each individual, as we all have unique value systems. Maybe well-being has to do with your relationships, physical health, mental health, societal engagement, or spiritual connection. Often, it will be a mix of all of these, with some needing more attention than others. How are these areas of your life functioning? Are they going well? Is there any bit of strain? Room and desire for growth? Is one area of your life causing the rest to suffer? Once you identify what self-love looks like for you, meaningful steps toward change can be taken.

What self-love is NOT

Self-love is a lot of things, and there are a lot of things it is not. Self-love is not getting so far into your bubble that you disconnect and isolate yourself from everything and everyone around you. Self-love is not doing anything and everything to maintain a constant state of happiness. It is not neglecting rest or staying so busy you cannot recognize your own needs. Self-love is not cutting people out of your life any time conflict arises, or constantly ignoring your own needs and values to maintain a relationship. Self-love is not giving in to any desire, want, or impulse. These things may temporarily feel comfortable or safe, or provide temporary relief, but over time your well-being could end up in a place you never wanted it to.

What self-love IS

I do not want to put self-love into a box, so take what you want and leave the rest, but if we go back to our original definition, self-love may require challenging change. This does not mean shaming yourself, but instead accepting where you are at, and how that differs from where you would like to be. Self-love may look like increasing focus on friendships that allow for growth and fulfillment, and loosening your grip on those that do not. It may look like setting boundaries with family members who have always had full access to your life. Self-love could be engaging in different discipline practices to improve areas of health, or engaging in rest when your mind and body need it. Regardless of how it ultimately plays out, self-love is allowing enough room in your life for a level of curiosity and compassion- to know when to slow down, when to make a change, and when to keep pushing through.