Disconnected or Dysregulated?
Well, we made it! We made it to the other side of the holidays, we've kicked off the new year, and we are headed toward spring and all the new things that it brings. Now is the time when "things should have slowed down..." but have you noticed that life doesn't feel easier despite making it to "the other side"? Maybe you've been asking yourself, "Why am I feeling so disconnected from the people in my life?" or "How do I reconnect with the relationships that are important to me?" If you've been feeling disconnected from others lately, let's talk about the difference between disconnection and dysregulation. You may be surprised to learn what the culprit may be, and how to make intentional changes for your current situation.
Disconnection
It’s important that we discuss what disconnection is and how it can show up. Have you ever heard someone say something along the lines of “I’m just feeling really disconnected from things (or people)” and you are left feeling unsure of what that means? Disconnection can be a whole variety of things, but let’s use this definition when we talk about feeling disconnected from others: disconnection shows up when there is a lack of emotional, physical or psychological connection with another person. It’s important to note that there are seasons of disconnection in all relationships, and the beautiful thing about this is once you notice there is disconnection, you can intentionally work to shift disconnection into meaningful connection.
Here are some factors that can lead to disconnection:
Busy or conflicting schedules
Unresolved conflict in the relationship
Lack of productive communication
Changing priorities
Getting caught up in day-to-day routines
Increased stressors outside of the relationship
Getting stuck in logic (i.e., “They should understand why I’ve been disconnected because of what I am going through”)
Differing perspectives on situations
Disconnection can be managed by making intentional changes around various factors. We will talk more about this after identifying what dysregulation is and how it impacts individuals and relationships.
Dysregulation
So, let’s talk about dysregulation and how it’s different from disconnection. Dysregulation, or emotional dysregulation, is when someone is struggling to control their emotions and how they are responding to the emotions. Dysregulation may show up in various different ways, but some examples of behavior resulting from dysregulation are things like being closed off to others, feeling numb to emotions and situations happening around you, or anger and frustration with others.
Dysregulation is different from disconnection because it is often rooted in mental health struggles, and can lead to disconnection (or rupture) in relationships. Here are some indicators that you may be struggling with emotional dysregulation:
Mood shifts
High Anxiety
Depression
Being easily frustrated by small things
An inability to manage emotions/reactions
Impulsivity
Lack of sleep
Traumatic situations or unresolved trauma
Chronic stress
Ongoing conflicts with others
Noticing that you are feeling exhausted all the time
Trouble focusing and engaging in activities that used to bring you joy
A slight inconvenience leads to anxiety, frustration, irritation, etc.
If you are dysregulated, know that there are intentional things you can do to manage the struggles. There are also ways to work on managing dysregulation and disconnection from others.
Okay, So Now What?
You may be sitting there thinking, “Okay, great, I know that I’m experiencing these things, but what do I do with it now?” Here is a brief list of ways to challenge disconnection or dysregulation that is showing up in your life:
Managing Disconnection
Increase Quality Time– You likely will need to be intentional about spending quality time with the people you are feeling disconnected from. Try to identify a way to connect around something that you both enjoy and have found to be meaningful in your relationship. Remember, it’s not about the amount of time spent with someone, but the quality of time spent together!
Focus on Repairing the Relationship– You may have to own your part of the disconnection in the relationship! It’s hard to admit when we are wrong, or when we may have contributed to disconnection. It can be so powerful to admit that you weren’t engaging in a way that moved the relationship forward. It doesn’t mean you are bad or wrong, it just means that you can see where things may have fallen off course and that you want to correct it.
Increase Positive Communication– Be intentional about what you are communicating about! It’s hard if communication is only centered around problems or stressors that are present in your life. It’s okay to focus on other things and find balance in talking about the “good” and the “bad.”
Utilize Curiosity and Understanding– Approaching disconnected relationships with curiosity and understanding is going to help the conversation be more productive. The last thing that we want to happen is to have an argument arise because people are feeling like they have to defend themselves. Try to understand the other person’s feelings, even if it’s hard to sit with.
Have a Mutual Goal of Connection– Remember, you are trying to connect with those you are disconnected from! There are times when it’s okay to have different perspectives on a situation, and you make the active choice to move forward from that.
Know When to Call it Quits– There may be some circumstances where you try all of the above things, and more, to reconnect with others. It’s hard to accept when there may not be reconnection with some people. It’s okay to move on from a relationship (whatever the dynamic of the relationship) if it’s no longer productive and healthy.
Managing Dysregulation
Connect with a Therapist– Managing dysregulation requires support and skills to make meaningful changes in your life. A therapist is an incredible tool to help manage and challenge dysregulation. You don’t have to do it alone! We would be honored to support you through your journey of managing dysregulation at The Counseling Co.! Reach out to us about how we can help.
Medication Management– Medication can be a fantastic tool in combination with therapy and behavioral changes to manage dysregulation. Medication is an option that can help you interact with your feelings and emotions in a different way, while using the skills you learn about in therapy to enhance your progress.
Managing Mental Health and Stressors– Stress has such significant impacts on our bodies and mental health! It can be easy to ignore how stress impacts us, but think of ways that you engage in positive self-care… that’s a good place to start!
Maintain Routine and Consistency– Having routine and consistency in your life can help you know what to expect, or identify how much excess you can handle at this point in your life. Routines and consistency create a feeling of stability, even when emotions may feel overwhelming.
