Handling Holiday Dynamics with In-Laws & Family

The holiday season is often seen as a joyous time filled with laughter and connection with special people in our life. The hard part is this-- we don't always talk about when our relationships and dynamics don't mimic that "picture-perfect" ideal. The holidays can magnify relationship struggles that are present during the rest of the year, and it can feel incredibly vulnerable if the dynamic isn't fitting that ideal. So, what do we do to try and manage this? How do we come to a place of acceptance of the current reality we are experiencing within our relationships? Let's break down a few things to consider when finding the balance between acceptance and boundaries.

Radical Acceptance

Maybe you've heard this term before, and you may have a strong reaction to the idea of radical acceptance. I have to admit, when I first learned about radical acceptance, I was skeptical to say the least-- I rolled my eyes and thought, "Here we go talking about how I just need to accept things and not have expectations for how I'm being treated." Well, I'm happy to say that I've come a far way on my understanding and appreciation for the concept of radical acceptance!

Radical acceptance is when we accept a situation mentally and emotionally, and we give space for accepting the circumstances without judgment. This allows us the power to keep our pain from turning into suffering. It gives space to accept the current reality of our situation, but it does not mean that we have to approve of the circumstances of the situation.

Here's a quick example: Let's say your in-laws have the expectation that you will be present for all of their holiday traditions. They want you at their house for Christmas Eve, Christmas morning to open gifts, and Christmas dinner that night. They have this expectation every year, and you just know it would be a lot of drama if you pushed back or said that you wanted to spend the holiday with your kids and experience your own traditions this year. Radical acceptance of this situation would be acknowledging the dynamic and emotions you are feeling, as well as accepting the struggle that's present without judgment of yourself (or them). You recognize there will be pain-- they will be upset if you don't come to all events, and you will be upset, and likely resentful, if you do attend all the expected activities. Radical acceptance is when you are able to accept that your in-laws will have a different opinion, and you give yourself space to be okay with the fact that there will be disappointment.

Radical acceptance can be so difficult to practice. You may notice that you feel guilty, overwhelmed, angry, or doubtful of if you are "making the right choice."

The Balance between Boundaries and Acceptance

Boundaries are something we can practice that allow us to respond to a situation-- our boundaries are things that we have control over regarding our own behavior or reaction. Remember, a request is something we ask of someone else and a boundary is how we respond to another person or situation. A person can choose to not engage with our request, but a boundary is something that allows us to still engage with, even if someone is not responding to the request. Here are a couple of examples:

Request: "Please don't call me after 10:00 pm because I am already asleep."

Boundary: "If you call me after 10:00 pm then I will not answer the call."

Request: "Can we celebrate Christmas morning after 10:00 am so that way our kids can have some time to celebrate at home?"

Boundary: "We are unable to join the family morning celebration until after 10:00 am on Christmas morning. I understand we may miss some traditions, but we are looking forward to celebrating with you after 10:00 am."

Part of the struggle with finding the balance between boundaries and acceptance is knowing that others are likely going to have a reaction to our boundaries, and that's okay! As Maddie said in her How to Set Holiday Boundaries blog, "While it may feel personal, we are not responsible for the reaction or response another person has as a result of a boundary we set. You are solely responsible for how you communicate your boundary, and whether or not you follow through with it."

Now, this doesn't mean that we have to be unaware of others' feelings and responses, but we have to allow for the space that they may disagree with us. It is going to feel uncomfortable, and that's okay! You can still honor your needs and wants, even if someone else doesn't understand your position.

So, Now What?

Radical acceptance is when we put our energy towards coping with a situation instead of trying to avoid or change it. Give these a try, and be kind to yourself through this process:

Acknowledge the reality of the situation. The reality is that people may not understand or agree with your needs and wants. It's okay if there is a difference of opinion, and you cannot make them change their opinion or reaction to how you're handling the situation.

Can you control or change the situation? Oftentimes we feel like we can control or change the situation, but that may not be the case. You cannot control how someone responds to a situation (and it doesn't mean that you have to do something to give the other person the outcome they want [ex: changing holiday plans to appease someone else's strong or negative reaction]).

Be intentional about your boundaries. Think about why you are setting the boundary-- if you are setting it to control others' behavior, then that's not the purpose of a boundary! The purpose is to protect your space and wellbeing despite how the person behaves.

Give yourself support and encouragement. Boundary setting and radical acceptance is HARD! It's okay that it feels tough and that it's uncomfortable. Give yourself some reminders and encouragement for why you're setting boundaries or working on acceptance. Something like, "It's okay that this is uncomfortable. I can trust myself in knowing what I need right now."

Remember, you can do these hard things and it's okay to set boundaries and accept the reality of your current situation... you've got this!