How to Set Holiday Boundaries
Boundaries can be quite the touchy topic, especially around the holidays. Do I just suck it up and drag everyone to and from every planned event? Am I being overly needy or difficult by having and setting these boundaries? Are my needs really worth it if everyone else is satisfied? These are just a few of the questions that may run through your mind when it comes to holiday planning and family time; making a time of year we hope to experience in a positive light, not so enjoyable. So, with that in mind, I thought I would share a few thoughts and tips when it comes to identifying and setting boundaries, specifically during the holiday season!
1. Explore Needs and Wants
Often when the holidays roll around we are attempting to figure out how to see every family member possible and make it to every planned gathering. While this may work perfectly for some, others may decide they have more capacity to be present and enjoy their time if they are not spread so thin. So, how do we decide what boundaries to set? Identifying your needs and wants is the perfect place to start. Maybe some gatherings are emotionally tiring, and it could be helpful to set time limits around how long you stay. Or, you may be in the middle of a season of life with littles, and long days with no naps do not feel like an option. Finances may play a role in how your holidays function, and boundaries around spending may be important. It is also possible you have preferences around what your kids eat, and you desire other family members to respect this choice. This list could continue on for just about forever, so hopefully these few examples get your mind thinking about what would be beneficial in your own situation. The useful thing about boundaries is they are not permanent. They are allowed to change as you do.
2. Compare Needs and Wants with Personal Values
Now, we are not the only person involved in most holiday scenarios, so coming back to our value system can be a helpful next step in assessing boundaries. Your boundaries do not always need to make sense to those around you. Afterall, they are based on your personal value system, not everyone else’s. Maybe you value having balance and compromise in your marriage, so splitting family time is important, regardless of how each side of the extended family views that choice. Health could be valuable to your family, and something you are not willing to compromise for the satisfaction of others. Valuing connection over gift giving may be of value to you, and setting boundaries around how gifts are exchanged could be of use. You may initially want to skip family time altogether, for the sake of rest or simplicity, and you value family connection, so evaluating how this actually plays out can help with you getting the most desired outcome. It is possible your initial desires do not actually line up with your values, and this step allows you the space to recognize that and reassess.
3. Communicate
Now it is time to communicate your boundaries with others. As helpful as it would be, it is unrealistic to expect others to read our mind and anticipate what we may be needing, thinking, or feeling. When we do not communicate our boundaries, and they are not met, we may be left feeling disappointed or even resentful. Everyone has their own way of communicating boundaries. Some lean on humor, some feel better sharing it in the family group chat, and some boundaries are more internal than they are expressed. When communicating boundaries I like to come back to Brene Brown’s idea of “clear is kind”. It is more helpful to clearly state and hold your boundary, to both yourself and others involved, than to loosely request what you are desiring. Some examples of this could look like…
When family shares the holiday schedule : “Hey, we will not be able to attend the festivities for the entire day, but we are looking forward to being there from 4-7!”
If a parent tells your kid to finish their entire plate of food: “Kids are actually naturally good at recognizing when they have had enough to eat, so they do not need to finish their entire plate.”
An individual makes a passive aggressive comment: “I would love to continue chatting with you, but will not do so if you continue speaking to me that way.”
A more internal boundary could be baking for family members as an alternative to spending more money than you would like on obligatory gifts.
Internal boundaries can also look like assessing the situation and recognizing your internal peace is more important than engaging with whatever said scenario is (know your limits and allow space for them).
Find what methods of communicating boundaries work best for you, and try it out! You may be surprised how refreshing it feels to identify and meet your own needs at times, even if the initial step of communication is uncomfortable.
4. Release the Responsibility of Others’ Response
While it may feel personal, we are not responsible for the reaction or response another person has as a result of a boundary we set. You are solely responsible for how you communicate your boundary, and whether or not you follow through with it. When each of these steps are thought through and considered, it can give a solid foundation to lean back on when others question your boundaries, or you begin to question them yourself. So, here’s to boundary setting and allowing more time and space for what truly matters this holiday season!