Processing Traumatic Grief
Grief is complicated and unique— every person responds to loss in their own way and grief can impact every part of life. There is no formula for managing grief, and it can be such a helpless experience to go through. There is a song by Danny Gokey called "I Will Not Say Goodbye" and at one point in the song he says:
"They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying,
If I can keep holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone"
This really illuminates how people can struggle through grief, especially if it feels like it's getting harder to go on despite time passing. There are different aspects to the process of grief, but when the loss is sudden, unexpected or traumatic in nature, a person may exhibit a different form of grief which is called traumatic or complicated grief. Let's break down what that is, and how to cope with it.
Traumatic grief can be described as someone processing grief after loss, while also exhibiting trauma response symptoms. Here are just a few symptoms that can be common when someone is struggling with traumatic grief (SAMHSA, 2017):
feeling deeply angry about the death or loss
not being able to think about anything other than your loved one
having nightmares or intrusive thoughts
having difficulty caring about or trusting others
experiencing pain in the same area as your loved one
feeling unable to maintain regular activities or fulfill responsibilities
feeling bitterness about life and envying others not affected by grief
feeling numb
feeling stuck in a "fight or flight" response
These will likely be experienced in a more intense and persistent way as opposed to more typical experiences of grief. It is easy to feel alone during this type of grief experience. So let's talk about how to cope with a traumatic loss:
Find Comfort and Safety in Routine & Structure
When your world feels like it has shattered, it can be so helpful to create a sense of safety with having a routine and structure. This routine and structure can help you complete daily tasks, and also create a sense of predictability, which likely has not been present since your loss.
Accept Support From Others
Grief is incredibly isolating, especially when there has been a traumatic aspect in the loss. Try to give yourself space to be supported by others. You deserve to be seen in your grief.
Feel Your Feelings
It is so common for people to numb out after loss, and avoid any emotion that can cause a feeling of distress. Numbing out doesn't keep you safe from hard emotions... it keeps those emotions hidden under the surface and still present in your life. Try to find ways to express yourself through your grief. Maybe that's through a support group, journaling, singing, etc.
Process the Trauma with Support from a Professional
Processing traumatic loss can be scary, and you don't have to do it alone. One way that can be very effective for processing losses of this nature is through EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). EMDR has specific protocols for traumatic loss, and it helps you mourn your loved one in a more balanced way (as opposed to some of the traumatic grief symptoms that were discussed above).
If you have experienced a traumatic loss and need support, we are here to walk with you through this 🤍
