Fighting Perfectionism
Raise your hand if you identify as a perfectionist.
Perfectionism is often praised and rewarded and therefore reinforced throughout many areas of our lives. However, the number one question is: Is perfectionism working for us or is it actually working against us?
Research suggests that shame is a root cause of perfectionism - in other words - perfectionism serves as a shield to protect us from shame. We think that if we achieve perfection, we may be able to avoid shame and judgment from others.
This leaves us making decisions led by the all-consuming questions: “What will people think?” and/or “What if I am not good enough?” Unfortunately, we don’t always get to know what others think, so we are left guessing where we stand - leaving us feeling lonely and insecure. And, it doesn’t just stop at what others will think. The standard is perfection, so anything less than perfection is a failure which can manifest in multiple domains of our lives including work, relationships, appearance, and more. Shame tells us failure or missing the mark is a personal defect and representation of who we are, as well as what kind of love and friendships we are worthy of.
There are numerous reasons why we might find ourselves struggling with the pressures of perfectionism, including anxiety, trauma, low self-esteem, shame, people-pleasing, and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. With so many reasons to feel the urge to chase perfectionism, there are even more countless ways toxic perfectionism impacts someone’s life.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells
Never feeling good enough
All-or-nothing thinking
Failing to set boundaries
Procrastinating tasks
Difficulty making decisions or expressing opinions
Afraid of connection or often feeling lonely
Believing everything is your fault
Wait what? How can striving for perfection and just trying to make others happy hurt us so badly??! Luckily for us, scientists have actually studied the effects of perfectionism and chronic people-pleasing. Here’s what we know:
Despite its negative effects, perfectionism is not always recognized as problematic by those who experience it, as it may initially be perceived as a drive for excellence or success.
It's important to differentiate between healthy striving for excellence and harmful perfectionism. Healthy striving involves setting realistic goals, pursuing personal growth, and accepting setbacks as part of the learning process. In contrast, perfectionism involves setting unattainable standards, experiencing chronic dissatisfaction with one's efforts, and engaging in self-defeating behaviors in pursuit of an elusive ideal.
Trying to achieve perfectionism keeps us in the vicious cycle of shame, failure, rejection, anxiety, and feelings of disconnection. So where do we go from here?
Accept the reality that you are imperfect. Everyone is imperfect.
Let go of unrealistic expectations.
Stop internalizing and personalizing every interaction you have
Start incorporating self-compassion and give yourself the grace that you give to others.
Practice affirmations
I am worthy because of who I am, not what I am.
I have permission to be human just like everyone else.
Someone else’s opinion of me does not put my self-worth at risk.
Overcoming perfectionism often requires developing self-awareness, challenging irrational beliefs and expectations, practicing self-compassion, and embracing imperfection as a natural part of the human experience. By adopting a more balanced and compassionate approach to achievement and self-worth, individuals can mitigate the negative effects of perfectionism and cultivate greater resilience, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives.