Navigating Relationships After Kids

Jan 11

Written By Tara Westerhouse, LCPC, PMH-C

It can be really tough to navigate personal relationships after kids enter the equation.

This includes ALL relationships, not just your relationship with your partner -- in-laws, friends, parents, co-workers, etc. While we can anticipate that our relationships might look different, it is hard to know exactly how they will change until we enter a new season. Everyone will experience these changes differently, but there are some common themes that tend to come up when discussing this topic: communicating needs, division of responsibilities, and taking care of you.

Everyone will experience these changes differently, but there are some common themes that tend to come up when discussing this topic: communicating needs, division of responsibilities, and taking care of you.

Communicating needs

The first step in communicating your needs is to identify what your needs are. It can be helpful to spend some time reflecting on stress points and areas where you need more support. When it comes to communication, Brene Brown states, “Clear is kind.” We often wish our loved ones could anticipate our needs without us having to communicate them. When our needs are not being met, it may leave us feeling resentful, hurt and alone. It’s good to check in when you notice feelings of resentment and ask if you have communicated what you need with the other person. It’s also important to consider what barriers get in the way of communicating your needs. Fear of the response? Guilt? Expectations of yourself? Feeling like your needs aren’t valid? When we know what gets in the way of communicating what we need, we can address those barriers.

Division of responsibilities

Assuming that responsibilities will be split 50/50 all of the time may set us up for disappointment. Life ebbs and flows, and there are times where you are doing 80% of the work and times that your partner is doing 80%. As a new mom, you may not be able to do everything you were able to do before, and that’s okay. You may also feel the opposite - that you are doing everything and more. Where can you ask for help? It can be beneficial to create a “postpartum plan” with your partner prior to baby’s arrival where you discuss the list of household responsibilities and share expectations about who will complete each task. This is a great way to get expectations out on the table. If you can’t do this prior to birth, don’t worry - it’s never too late! You will always have responsibilities to delegate when you’re raising children.

Taking care of you

Many new moms experience some identity confusion after having children. When you spend so much time pouring into your tiny human(s), time for you often gets put on the back burner. What are the activities that make you feel more like YOU? How can you incorporate those regularly? Remember - when mom is cared for, baby is cared for!