Appreciating the Inconvenience of Compromise

I heard an expression at a continuing education class recently that really stuck with me – “Relationships are inconvenient, but we can be grateful for the inconvenience.” This is true of all types of relationships – marriages, friendships, relationships with our children – they all “inconvenience” us at times. Chances are, those very relationships that require sacrifice and compromise also bring us feelings of joy and gratitude. “Being grateful for the inconvenience” has really shifted my mindset around relationships, and I’m hoping you might find it helpful too.

I like to think of relationships as a mirror. What we experience in our relationships can help us to better understand ourselves. For example - if I notice feelings of resentment in my relationships, what information is that giving me? It might mean my needs are not being met, and I need to communicate my needs or feelings with those around me. It might mean I need to set boundaries around my time or energy. While we cannot control the feelings or actions of others, we do have control over our own needs, boundaries, and values, and how we communicate those with others. When we are willing to share our needs and expectations with others, we give them the opportunity to meet them. How can we expect others to know how to compromise if we never communicate what we need?

In any healthy relationship, compromise is necessary. We have to be willing to “inconvenience” ourselves at times because we value the relationship over “winning” or getting our way. That being said, I believe there is a difference between compromise and sacrifice. To me, compromise means both parties are giving something up, whereas sacrifice means one person is giving something up. Feelings of resentment can show up when there is an imbalance and one person feels like they are sacrificing all the time, and there’s really no compromise happening. If this is you - how might you be able to communicate your feelings with the other person?

To clarify, compromise does not mean changing your values or totally neglecting your needs, desires, or wishes. We all have non-negotiables in our relationships that we are not willing to compromise on, and it is our job to honor and communicate those. We just have to find the balance between constantly compromising our own needs with never compromising on anything. Again – compromise is a necessary part of any worthwhile relationship.

Compromise looks different in every relationship. For some, compromise might mean intentionally speaking your partner’s love language, even when it’s not the way you feel loved. For others, it might mean trading off who travels for the holidays. Compromise can look like changing the way you approach a conflict because the other person needs more time to process an argument than you do. Compromise is inconvenient sometimes, AND we can be grateful for the very relationship that causes us to do so.

A couple of questions to consider – What would be different about your relationships if you viewed compromise through a lens of gratitude? If you aren’t able to compromise in a relationship, what is preventing you from doing so?

(Thanks to Adam Clement at Doors of Hope Counseling for the awesome CEU that prompted this blog post!)